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Sabbatical’s Over

Dang, I been gone a long time.  Been swaying away from the parenting funnies and doing some more creative writing.  I just submitted a story for a contest at NYC Midnight Movie Making Madness and thought I’d throw it up here for fun.  The genre was science fiction (which I love watching in Film and on TV but have never written); the subject “house cleaning.”  Thanks for reading!

Clean for Life

         She found what she needed within days of meeting him but she’d had to stay with him, posing as his housekeeper, for two full moon years since.  At home on Planet 10, that was enough time for her to grow her long hair out and cut it twice.        

         Not that there was much of a house to keep in this godforsaken expanse of desert dust he called home.  There were four small rooms underground covered by a semi-circular solar dome which she had first seen on foot from a half-kilometer away.  Even near death, scorched from the planet’s four blistering suns, she’d been reminded of pictures of Earth’s Louvre museum in Paris in the ancient history books her mother used to read to her at bedtime.  She and her mother traveled the galaxy without ever leaving P-10.  Now here she was on P-13, without her mother and no way to get back to her, no way to save her life.  But she kept hoping anyway. 

            She sighed and tossed her black hair over her shoulder as she swept the dining nook.  He was out now, skimming the near ridge for the three indigenous plants they could eat.  All the others were poisonous.  He’d learned which ones were deadly by eating one every few weeks and recording the effects on his body.  Most of them caused violent retching, chills and a fever that would kill any other human, born or cloned.  But he recovered fully each time to test yet another plant until he’d tested them all.     

            “I’m glad I did it before you got here,” he once told her.  “I’d never forgive myself if you’d eaten the wrong root, if you’d suffered that way.”  He had laughed ironically at his own words.  “And that would be one hell of a long time to not forgive myself.”

            That was why she had left her mother’s home five moon years ago to find him, why every government official in the galaxy hunted him.  Every human on all twenty-two planets knew of his immortality.  And they all wanted it for themselves. 

            They had their reasons, some of them noble.  Dilnek Ram, P-8’s leader, had spent his whole life fighting to eradicate a deadly disease confined to his planet.  The sickness had killed many and quarantined the rest of the planet’s residents, including him, from interplanetary travel.  He simply wanted his people to live, explore, intermarry with those outside the boundaries of their native atmosphere.  Jam Sim of P-14 had a similar problem, different disease.  And P-18’s Sol Tum, who drew criticism from the Interstellar Council for her idealism, wanted her people to live forever just so they could all eventually find their true callings and enjoy passion in their chosen work. 

            But he was hiding from people like Mosk Ruul of P-22 who wanted his DNA to clone an army of similar geniuses to fulfill his eon-old quest to rule the galaxy.  Tar Sil of P-1, a former friend, cared not for any precious blood composition, but only for revenging the loss of Sil’s love interest to him. 

There were countless others with desires to use him for their own selfish purposes.  She just wanted her mother to live. 

            She heard his footsteps descending the stairs and looked up from her sweeping.  After he had learned to trust her enough to tell his secret, he told her his body was 118 moon years old.  But his face belonged to a man a fraction of that age.  It was tanned gold from the suns, which seemed to shine from his ocean-blue eyes when he saw her. 

            “I’ve gathered enough to feed us for some time,” he said, smiling.  “Maybe you wouldn’t mind making the mélange dish tonight, since we have plenty of all the hornish roots now?”  He looked at his feet and then back at her, hesitantly.  “Maybe … uh … I can help?”

            In all this time he had never offered to help her cook or clean. 

            “Oh!  I … well.   Of course,” she said, trying to hide her trembling hands.

            The time had come to tell him the truth.    

 

***

 

            It wasn’t that she had told him only lies all this time.  She really had landed on P-13 – his hiding place for almost ten moon years now – accidentally.  The ship she piloted throughout the galaxy and to four planets before this one was old and neglected, discarded by its owner to a junk shop to be recycled for parts.  She knew when she stole it and left her ailing mother, who begged her to stay and let the way of nature decide, that it might fail her.  And it did.  But miraculously.  The crash had not killed her, and it brought her to him.

            She had walked away from the ship’s smoking fragments with only a small satchel of food and her scanner – a device her now-dead father had created and tinkered with in his work tunnel for most of his life.  The scanner was unique in the galaxy; its existence was known only by its creator, his wife and their daughter.  It could clean for and scan DNA material and clone any living thing.  It had been used only once.  Her mother had enjoyed the honor, and her father had cloned their precious dog lost to disease.

When, days after the crash, she stumbled over a crest that looked like countless others she had crawled over and saw his solar dome, she instinctively dropped to her knees and frantically clawed at the dust and sand until she hit red clay.  She removed as much of a hole as she could, snapping off each of her fingernails, and half-buried the scanner there.  She had no idea then that she would need to come back for it.  But she did.

            On the verge of unconsciousness, she crawled to the dome.  She never reached it and remembered only the hazy red aura of a human-looking orb walking toward her before she collapsed in the sand.  When she finally awoke and her eyes were able to focus on her surroundings, she found herself lying on a small cot and covered by two thin white blankets.  A warm sensation much different from scorching suns’ heat ran through her.  As the room came more clearly into focus, she gently turned her head.  He sat against the opposite wall yet close to her, on the floor with his elbows on bent knees, staring at her. 

            “Can you hear me?” he asked in a calm, firm, voice.

            She nodded.

            “Can you see me?”

            She nodded again.

            “Can you talk?”

            She opened her mouth and rasped a croaky “yes.”

            “Then you need to tell me right now why you came here.”

            Startled, she locked eyes with him.  And she knew.  Even before she regained strength, walked again, retrieved the scanner, and cleaned the house of his hair and fiber and mucus and DNA, she knew.  But it all exploded into her mind in an imperceptible moment and she answered without hesitation.

            “My … ship crashed.  I was on … my way … home.  P-10.” 

            Maybe he had known, too.

            “Where am I?” she croaked.

            He stared at her, not unkindly.  After a very long time, he answered.

            “P-13.”

            She grinned at him, the hinges of skin in her lips crackling. 

            “Good,” she said.  “Never been here.”

            Then she fell into a fast, deep sleep and woke, as he told her, ten days later.

***

           

They stood next to each other in the tiny cooking alcove, her chopping the roots, him taking them from her and searing them on the cookstove.  The living quarters were small and she was accustomed to standing close to him, but this time she felt a rush like she felt each time she launched her ship, hoping it would rise again.  She felt her cheeks flush hot, and did not look at him.

“You’re doing well with those,” she said, gesturing with her knife to the cooking food.

He laughed out loud.  “I know it’s hard to imagine since you’ve been doing this for me for so long now, but I actually did cook for myself once.”

She giggled.  Giggled?  She could not remember ever giggling in her adult life.

“I didn’t mean it that way.  Well, yes I did.  I didn’t think you could make something that looked appealing enough to eat.”

He returned her teasing banter, a first for both of them.

“Well, it is a secret I’ve kept all my life.  I’ve been working and honing my skills in this little cave for many moon years.  I can cook.”

She sensed him smiling but his words pierced her heart like a laser.  Her father’s face flashed in her mind, how animated it was when he worked, how proud it was upon revealing his scanner to his family one evening long ago.  Then, her mother’s face – gentle, fair, soft with love for her only child.  Tears welled up in her eyes.  One dropped onto the blade of her chopping knife and glistened on the metal.

She dropped the knife on the counter and backed away from it, sitting down heavily in a chair behind her.  He turned and, seeing her anguished face, lost his own smile.  His eyes searched hers, still running over with tears, and it seemed to her that he understood.  But how could he, possibly?

She wiped her eyes with both hands, inhaled deeply and looked at him directly.

“I knew about you from the first day,” she said, hugging her arms across her chest.    

He turned and set down some roots.  He turned off the cookstove, faced her again, and waited.

“I’m so sorry,” she said, and meant it.  “Please wait here for me.  I’ll be back.”

She stood tall and looked at him softly, then ascended the stairs and went out through the dome into the dust.  She had re-buried it closer this time, just over the first crest.  He would have seen her doing it if he had been home.  But she had chosen solitary times to dig it up, use it, bury it again. 

She came to the place and quickly unearthed the scanner.  She wiped it off with the hem of her tunic then fit it on her right hand.  Nearly two moon years since she had worn it and it still fit her hand perfectly.  Its rectangular blacklight nestled snugly in her palm; the plastisene fingerprint covers molded to the tips of her four fingers; the thumb-mounted fiber vacuum and nanoscreen fitted to the back of her hand – all of it exam-ready.  Her meticulous, genius father had made a flawless machine.

She returned to the dome and descended the stairs wearing the scanner on her hand.  He was still standing against the counter, eyes gazing at the floor, arms crossed.  He looked up when she entered.

“I didn’t know it was you when I landed,” she began.  “But I knew before you told me yourself.  I’d been looking for you for almost three of your moon years when I crashed, and I’d almost lost hope.  I didn’t even know what you might look like since the last pictures of you were taken so long ago.”

He didn’t respond, just continued to look at her serenely.  She went on.

“But it seems you really don’t age.”  She looked at him tenderly.  “You look just the same.”

“Go on,” he said, with an air that told her he was tired of seeing his unchanging face in the mirror.

She held up her right hand.  “My father made this.  He was brilliant, truly unparalleled.  He finished it before he died, but on his deathbed he refused to let us use it on him and forbade us from telling anyone in the galaxy about it.  He wanted us to destroy it, but my mother saved it when he died.  To keep a tangible part of him with her.”

He nodded in response. 

“I know the feeling,” he said evenly.        

She continued.  “You believed my story and kept me on here with you.  I knew I didn’t have any way to get back, but I just had a feeling when I opened my eyes on that cot and saw you … have you ever felt that way?  It’s like your body inflames and your heart swells and you can feel the blood course through your neck?  And you just know?”

He turned his eyes to her and she saw his answer.

“Yes,” he said.  “I have.”

“I was cleaning one day and, I’m sorry.  I rummaged through your desk drawers and found the handheld hologram device and turned it on.  I saw the message from the Council.  Then I went out while you were on the ridge, and I dug this up from where I had hidden it when I crashed.  And I came back and cleaned some more.”

She walked to him and flexed her hand, powering on the scanner with a whip of her wrist.  The blacklight glowed cobalt blue.  She picked up his hand, turned it palm-up, passed the blacklight over his thumb.  A single, miniaturized fingerprint reflected in the nanoscreen on the back of her hand.  Then she ran the thumb vacuum over his tunic, sucking in a loose blond hair that had fallen there.  The strand, and the DNA readout, appeared on the nanoscreen. 

She flicked her wrist, powering off the scanner.  Then she took it off and placed it in his open palm.

“My mother is sick,” she said, looking deeply into his eyes.  “That’s all.  There’s nothing else, never was.”  She nodded to the scanner.  “Take it.  Mother kept telling me nature should decide, anyway.”

She turned and began to ascend the stairs.

She heard him clear his throat and say, “Your ship can fly.”

She faced him again, standing on the stairs.

“What?”

“It’s over the tenth crest, to the north.  You can leave if you want.”  His tanned face was soft, his eyes bright and focused on her.  

“But when …?”

“I have stores and stores of roots, darling girl.  There were no skim trips to the ridge.  I guess we’re both liars.”

She descended the stairs and went to him, slowly wrapping him in her arms, kissing his tunic in the place on his chest where the errant hair had been. 

He held her tightly and said into her hair, “There’s a vial for you on the launch controls.  It has what your mother needs.  I figured long ago you were here for it, like anyone would be.”  He pulled back and looked at her.  “But you’re not like the others.  Are you?”

“I’ll come back,” she said, her heart hurting. 

“You won’t.”

She kissed him full on the lips, pressing hard, then spun on her heels and ran up the stairs and out the dome.

He looked at the scanner in his hand.  At least he would have a tangible part of her with him. 

Forever.

 

Last week at dinner one night, my growing kindergartner had an exceptional appetite.

As I watched him shovel in the chicken, I asked, “Did you get a snack at school today, bud?”

Through his mouthful he replied, “Yeah.  We had harmonica cookies.”

Now I’ve lived an interesting life and seen many things, but never a harmonica cookie.  So I bit.  “Um, what’s a harmonica cookie?”

He swallowed and said, straightfaced, “Jessie brought them in.  Jessie doesn’t celebrate Christmas.  She celebrates Harmonica.  They’re from Harmonica.”

He was so serious I could absolutely not crack a smile at how insanely cute it was.  I nodded my head and chewed real fast and thought I was in the clear until my little guy said, “What’s Harmonica?”

I sort of mumbled over the real word for the holiday so as not to embarrass my big kid as I explained that Jessie is Jewish and celebrates Hanukkah near the time we celebrate Christmas.  They were happy with that, since the topic of different religions is a bit too deep for them at this point.

Thank goodness we moved the conversation on to silly things.  But I think I freaked them out when I let it blow and laughed hysterically at a couple of sticky noodles.

 

 

Fun with Phonetics

I have a fantastic 6-year-old who’s learning how to read, so we’re all phonetics at my house these days.  I may be a word geek, but I’ve gotta say, it is a ton of fun to listen to and read with someone learning to read.

Today he drew a priceless picture of the a large bunny–which actually resembled a scary bobcat, but no matter–with these words next to it:  “Hepoi Estro.”  Lost?  Well, that said “Happy Easter.”  The bobcat bunny had a really large left paw, which my son pointed out to me, so in a word bubble he drew the words, “god podra.”  I held the picture away from my eyes and squinted like the sun was piercing my retinas and preventing me from reading the words until he said, “It says ‘good punch’ Mom!  See because his paw is so big, get it?” I said, “Of course I get it.  I just couldn’t see the letters because the sun was piercing my retinas.”  At which point he looked at me like I’m a flake and ran off.

He had a little friend over today and they sat for a bit making Easter cards for their parents, and the friend’s card was even better.  “Happi Ester Mom and Dad I love you and wer gon to bild a fir.”  Now, I’ve never built a fire on Easter, but that drawing of him and his family sitting around the pit with marshmallows on sticks was better than anything Picasso ever did.  Guaranteed.

R-ent kidds gr8?

I’m wondering where the hell the last 6 1/2 years of my life just went. 

I swear, about twenty minutes ago I was 30 and under the knife in the O.R., crying with joy as I heard the first infant cries of my oldest son when he was pulled from my body.

Today he tested out of his white belt in his karate class, counting from one to ten in Japanese all by his lonesome, and throwing out some pretty sweet knife hand punches and crescent kicks.  He walked away from his sensei after his test holding his brand spankin’ new yellow stripe belt out to me, his smile so huge I thought it would blow the roof off the place.  Plus, he got the “Student of the Day” sticker (probably because there were only two kids in this class this Spring Break week, including him, and the other kid got it on Monday).  Cue the crying, Mom.

I can see that I will be crying my way through my boys’ youths, but only partially because of the pride at the walking and the talking and the solo peeing and the staying out of jail (God willing). 

The rest of the tears will be shed because I’m tearing through my OWN youth.  When I was in my twenties, it felt like I would be in my twenties forever.  I lolligagged those years away like I had about 600 more of the same comin’ right up behind me.  I took for granted my silent knees (which now, three years from 4-0, crack like MoFos all day long), my perky boobs (which were so very pert, they were their own cheerleading squad), and my baby’s-butt-smooth face (now if I want to pat something silky, it is actually my real baby’s butt).

I feel like I’m in a time wormhole; you know, like in sci-fi movies.  And I’m starting to look as scary as the characters in those films–like that wacked-out chick in Star Wars episode whatever-it’s-numbered-now, that’s walking up this long flight of steps in a flowing white gown with a relatively hot body (minus the hot body) and these grotesque tentacles hanging off the sides of her head.  They used my head for that character mock-up.

Whatever.  I’m vain.  I just hope that my boy, when he maybe gets his black belt after like 8 years of karate classes, is still proud to walk over and show his old baggy mom his belt.  If he can find me under the tentacles.

1.  On your baby’s third birthday you post a sale ad on Craig’s List and have strangers traipsing into his bedroom and carrying out all his furniture for the next week (prompting lots of crying and shouts of, “Mommy!  She’s takin’ my wockin’ chair!”).

2.  You consider looking up the school superintendent’s home address after 5 snow day cancellations in two weeks so you can egg his house.

3.  Eight straight hours of sleep leaves you feeling “not quite rested.” 

4.  You’re walking home from a neighborhood festival with your family and you feel a sudden urge to sprint the rest of the way as fast as Maurice Greene (and you actually do) because you can no longer bear to shuffle along at 0.0000000006 mph.

5.  Your posture is so screwed up from carrying people inside and attached to your body that you feel like Tolkien used your likeness in creating The Hobbit.

6.  You’ve deleted the bookmarked baby naming websites from your favorites and replaced them with those of reputable cosmetic surgeons.

I thought I’d left behind the need for crack-of-dawn mental gymnastics when I left law school, and then again when I left the corporate world.

Isn’t one benefit of staying at home with children supposed to be that I don’t have to dig much past the skin of my forehead to function mentally until at least 10:00 a.m.?

Not at my house.  Here’s what I had to answer yesterday upon rising and before breakfast was swallowed.

Chip:  “Mom, what’s 100 plus 100 plus 50 plus 50?”

Mick:  “Hey, Mom.  Where are you?”

Chip:  “Mom, that’s 200 right?  Right?”

Mick: “Hey, Mom.  Is my food ready?”

Chip:  “Mom.  Was I wrong?  Is it really 300?”

Mick:  “Hey, Mom, where are you?  Are you peeing?”

Chip:  “Mommy, what’s 150 plus 80?”

Mick:  “Hey MOM!  Where’s my food?!”

Chip:  “Mom, are you as old as 150 plus 80?”

Mick:  “Hey, Mom, are you back?  I see you!”

Chip:  “Mom, if you were as old as 150 plus 40, you would be in heaven!  Right? Are you going to go to heaven?”

Mick: “Hey Mom, why do I only have two foods?”

Chip: “Mom, you’re not going to heaven for a long time, right?”

Mick: “Hey Mom, are you mad at me?”

Chip:  “Mommy, we’re going outside now, aren’t we?”

And then, we cleared the breakfast dishes, and went outside. 

A Tiny Obama Fan

I volunteered in my 6-year-old’s class today, The Day After, the day Hillary Clinton won Ohio’s Democratic primary over Barack Obama.  

I am an Obama fan.

So I’m sitting next to little Meredith, my son, and two other kids in the hall outside the kindergarten classroom, constructing a giant stuffed rainbow fish.  Meredith is cutting and drawing and thinking.  After looking pensive for a few moments, she looks at me and says, “So Kim, who did you vote for?”

I smile and say, “Well, Meredith, I voted for Obama.  I like him.”

Meredith stops working.  “Yeah, my sister [8 years old!] voted for him.  I think I’ll vote for him, too.”

As I nod, she gets a very serious look on her face and says, “I don’t like Hillary Clinton.”

Curious, I bite.  “Why not?  Don’t you think she seems like a nice lady?”

She shrugs. “I don’t know.  I just think she doesn’t make very good decisions.”

Oh, baby girl!  If only her decisions were easy to make.  And if only everyone could be as fantastic as a 6-year-old.   

Hump Day Hilarity

These select highlights from today day never, ever happened, and never, ever would have happened before I had my sweet two children.

1.  A potty chair of full of pee sat next to my kitchen refrigerator for two hours before I had a chance to empty it (attributable to long-bathroom-renovation story).

2.  After my own tinkle time in my own real bathroom and the startling realization that I had no toilet paper nearby or even anywhere in the house, I had to wipe with the only soft thing within reach–a discarded, holey kid sock in the bathroom trash can.

3.  I put a half-eaten chicken nugget in my coat pocket and carried it around there all day.

4.  The millisecond that I opened my eyes this morning, I saw small children, a pink plastic pig and twenty dollars in quarters all spread out next to my face.

5.   I fantasized about working in a cubicle next to a loud talker who loudly clipped his thick toenails at lunchtime. (This person actually exists.  I used to work next to him).

All-time favorite quotes

These are some snippets from my kid-quote archive: 

–A lady at the library asked Chip his name when he was 2 1/2 years old.  He said, “Chip.  But my daddy calls me Buttabean.”

–Chip, 2 1/2:  “Mommy, you no have no penis.  Daddy have a penis.  I have a penis.  You have hair.  You have hair on yo butt.”

–Chip, ditto.  “Do clouds have faces?”

–Chip, doing puzzles with me on the coffee table at 2 1/2:  “What’s up with your work friends, Mom?” 

–Mickey age 2.  Keep in mind, he cannot say the “tr” combination, or hard “g.”  He says “Fractor,” ”fricycle,” and “fruck”– though he sometimes leaves the “r” out of “fruck.”  So he’s playing with some trucks on his old Fisher Price parking garage his daddy bought him on E-bay, and he drives his truck up to the gas station.  I’m reading a magazine on the couch next to him when I hear, “Mom, my f_ck needs some ass.”  My head spins around Exorcist-style and I stupidly ask, “What?!” and he repeats it.   It’s sidesplitting to hear a 2-year-old drop the F-bomb.  (I swear, he has never heard that word before, he just cannot say “tr” to save his life.)   

Quotes of the Day

1.  Chip (6) and Mickey (3) run around the basement like maniacs for 30 minutes playing tag, during which Mick gets 52 drinks of water.  Mick walks up to me, all seriousness, and says, “Mommy, my belly is full of water.  I feel it in there.  My heart is red.  But I think it’s gonna be pink in a minute.”

2.  Chip learns someone he loves is in the hospital for some quick tests because she felt sick.  He worries about the tests (for chest pains), and asks, “Can she go home after the tests?  What if she needs to get her bone fixed?”

3.  Chip asks me if he can play a video game, and I say no.  He protests.  I say, “You’re 6 years old.  You have the rest of your life to play video games.”  He yells at me, ”Then I’m never going to get to the next level!”

4.  Mick:  ”My heart is pink now, Mom.” 

5.  Chip falls off the coffee table, where he should not have been sitting, as we’re coloring. He knocks over a giant tub of crayons.  I give him a wary look, then say, “Can you pick up the crayons, please?”  He starts crying, saying through his sobs, “Mom!  You should have cared more about me! I hurt my arm!  All you care about is the crayons!”

6.  Best of all, these.  Mick’s very first words of the day:  “You’re the best mommy.  I love you, Mommy.”  Chip, as he’s trotting down the driveway to the bus this morning, ”I love you!  I’ll miss you!  Stay at the door!  I’ll wave to you when I get on the bus!”  (Who was crying all morning?  You guessed it.)   

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